Bike Porn

I'm a sucker for shiny metal. Polished aluminium, stylishly painted steel, a leather saddle, spoked wheels - just love it! So this BBC 4 "doco" ("reality tv"?), wherein Rob Penn, the global cycle tourist and media personality, had me at the first mention of a "dream bicycle."

Apart from the fact that Rob was, when this was made, clearly better paid than I was working for Australia's national broadcaster, he places just a little too much emphasis on the machine rather than what makes a great ride, great people with you and great locations. Thankfully, we meet some people in his quest for parts for his custom built bicycle, that are people I'd happily ride with, not least, Rob himself! He's a velo-obsessed tragic to make me look "normal."

It's not a new show, it's from Boris Johnson's era as London's Lord Mayor. It's new to me because I don't think it's ever been shown in Australia, and it popped up on Youtube the other day. Boris pops up in one of Rob's interviews, waxing lyrical about how hard times warrant a new age of cycling as transport. He almost appears less of a twat than we know him today, yet still a waffling fool, as he always was. That the world needs a new cycling golden age from Boris' gob is just a broken clock being right twice a day.

For me, the highlights are Rob riding the shores of Lake Como, near Cinelli's Italian headquarters in Milan, where they stop off at a chapel which honours the patron saint of cycling, and his ride down Repack Trail, Marin County, the birthplace of mountain biking. The less appealling thing is the evident white male privilege of the presenter, an appealling bloke while talking about accessibility of cycling and how the bicycle helped liberate the working classes, but who drips "me me me" when wanking off about owning a custom bike, a thing that most riders never own, even leaving aside the bicycle still being the dominant mode of transport in the developing world. The bike, which we see, finally, on the road in the last few minutes, could only really be appealling to riders like me - the geeks of bicycle culture. While beatifully fitted and finished, it looks like any other classic road bike. An Armani suit shows its opulence to all, a custom bicycle looks like a nicely painted bicycle to the unitiated.

Even then, I'm happy with pretty bog standard alloy handlebar and very basic consumer group. I ride a "beer bike," the machine you take to the pub because it won't matter if somebody clips the lock and nicks that bike while you're in having a social bevvie. My urban workhorse in gravel trim. I'd like a well fitted steel frame, but not at 5 grand (which is what it'd cost me here in Melbourne, Australia, without any of the parts that make a frameset ridable... wheels, groupset, saddle or handlebars) but even the fluid formed, Chinese 6061 aluminium is superior to almost every other bike I've ever owned. I'm a little jealous of the custom fit, but frankly, riding a brand that the custom fit set sneer at is a lot less stressful when you lock it to a pole and step into a bar or cafe for half an hour.

If you spend AU$750 (US$500) or more on an off the rack ride, you're already riding something way better than any off the rack bike from 20 years ago, and the equal of a custom build if the fit and finish make you ride it every day with love and a mile wide, cheesy grin.